Culled, at a hair over 9bs

I went out to Otis AFB on the Cape this weekend with my good friend NHG for a belated version of our traditional X-Mas day bike ride (you know, because we're the kind of addicts that would rather ride bikes than get presents on Christmas). After getting good and wet and cold in the slush, we descended on a lobster shack for some local fare, where I laid my eyes on one of the largest lobsters I've ever seen. Staring up at me from the saltwater tank was a one-clawed (cull) lobster weighing in at 9lbs, 4oz. sans left hand. It being a slow night, and the proprietor of the shack being rather friendly, I prodded him a little about it, and lobsters in general. The conclusion: Lobsters should ride bikes.

If you were a lobster, you'd have:

1. Built-in body armor: You'll never break a collarbone or end up with a huge scrape across you face from a crash--you've got full-body custom plate mail. Not only is it custom, it automatically replaces itself with a slightly larger size every year, so you won't be self-conscious about looking fat when you stop training, or get a real job.
   
2. Regenerating limbs: Body armor is nice and all, but if you're really taking it to the edge, some day you might get hurt BAD. When your arm is broken in six places it would sure be nice to just hack the thing off and grow a fresh one. Especially when you don't have insurance.
   
3. Teeth in your stomach: Yep, that's right. Never choke down a Clif Bar again. Gulp it and forget it. Your gut will take care of the rest.
   
4. Eight Legs: Need I say more?
   

And now for something completely different:



Lobster pic credit: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/03/0302_050302_lobster.html