Friday, December 4, 2009

TTD Part I: Be late for EVERYTHING

Those of you who have been following for a while may remember the "Training for the Detail Deficient" (TDD) series of last season which, in keeping with the theme, was never really planned in any sort of serious way and not really ever finished (I contend that it shall be revived in the event I ever regain the fitness high-ground enough to justify talking about how to go fast again).

In celebration of this debacle of declarative memories, and the fact that I pretty much sit on my ass doing problem sets these days (I'm soo too old for this), I bring to you a new, considerably more ridiculous training series with the initials TTD. You may de-acronym as you like, but I'm particularly fond of "Training for the Training Deficient", or in the spirit of this episode's title, "Training for the Time Deficient". TTD is all about feeling fast, spinning tires and ultimately getting nowhere fitness-wise, all on a strict time budget. TTD works its way alternately around beer-drinking and professional life so that you can be who you want to be when you grow up--as long as you don't want to be on any sort of three-tiered podiums.

So without Further adeiu - Part I: "Be late for EVERYTHING"

(apologies if this makes no sense, I was up all night doing work and may be delerious)

TTD is all about working with your schedule. If you've gotta work, kick-it with your bros at the local watering hole, spend half-a-day shopping online for parts to make your bike lighter, TTD works with you (and your schedule is tight, like {censored! My mom reads this for Pete's sake}). TTD is so flexible that it actually creates time where there was none before! How? By always being late.

The hardest part about not training is that exerting yourself is difficult. Everybody knows how awful it feels two weeks after you stop training for real when your high-end goes to shit, but four MONTHS after you stop training, even a couple flights of stairs are enough to initiate cardiac arrest. As time goes on you find yourself wanting to "just chill" on the bike more and more often, until you're barely breaking double digits on the speedo-- and actually getting less exercise than walking.

Good thing you have somewhere to be--10 minutes ago! Similarly to how smokers are supposed to tell as many as people as possible that they're gonna quit so they're motivated not to fail and look like chumps, telling people you're going to be somewhere on a schedule that you could never reasonably keep is a perfect motivator to ride fast ALL THE TIME. The whole ride slow to go fast thing is totally overrated anyway. Not only will you be riding hard every time you get on a bike, but you also will be creating time that you never would have had if you left your house at a reasonable hour and made your way responsibly to your destination--those five minutes could be the difference between obscurity and the nobel prize!

The perfect late departure is as much science as it is art. To truly make time where there was none before, you must leave your start point later and arrive at your destination at the same time you would have normally. Having been away from racing for long enough to have the oxygen return to my brain, here's a handy magic time claculator:

T = (D / v1) - (D / v2)

where T is the time you can delay your departure and, D is the distance you need to go, v1 is your normal speed, and v2 is Mach III (subtract one Mach for every month you've been off your regular schedule). Additional time may be required for sweat mopping and regaining consciousness, depending on level of fitness, but you'll have to calculate that in on your own.

Ride Safe...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"...but four MONTHS after you stop training, even a couple flights of stairs are enough to initiate cardiac arrest."

I know how it feels.It has been six months on this side of the pond, I am getting love handles. Two more months to go until submission...